An introduction, indeed

Hello vast community of blogging bloggers of bloggville, I am Emma Ro and I'll be your host.

I haven't kept an online journal in years but I think it's time I return to this outlet, I sure as hell need it. I guess this is more for my entertainment than yours, but- on the rare chance I somehow start to gain viewers/subscribers- I do hope you enjoy. Where to start, though? I'm not sure what the beginning is, so I'll just start where I'm at.

I'm siting in a slightly broken chair passed down to me by my brother at a computer desk found on the side of the road with a sign that read "Free", on a computer I kept when an online school I went to years back had shut down, while smoking a cigarette from a pack I had to barter drugs for. On my desk lies a lighter- an essential to the cigarettes and bowl of marijuana that sit on either side of it. Marijuana that was most definitely and totally earned and deserved. Next to that there's a camera recently stumbled upon in a box of unclaimed 'Lost and Found' by luck and love, a fairly new cell phone I've been using more and more often, a Poland Spring water bottle empty and aching to be filled again, and THE coolest Batman mug in the entire universe filled half way with delicious hot spearmint/green tea- complimented by just a dash of sugar.

I am exhausted, though I really didn't do much today. I did, however, accomplish quite a bit when it comes to the scarf I'm knitting. Nearly doubled in size since yesterday, it's starting to take shape with the promise of becoming something other than a block of stitches. It's hard to believe this entire thing is made up of one continuous strand of yarn. I think in hyper-speed when I'm in my knitting zone, and it's easy enough I don't have to put much thought into what I'm doing. Sometimes thinking that fast isn't a good thing when your mind wanders off into dark unknown forests with mutant beasts and sharp-toothed lizards. There you're in much more danger than Little Red Riding Hood ever was. And there I was, letting myself drown in strange waters for no real reason. I guess you could call this feeling a panic attack.

Yeah- knitting, panicking, unsure of why. Combinations of feelings, possible reasons, and horrible heaviness. It really is kind of like spiraling down into the deepest part of an ocean and not knowing which way is up or down. I had a lump in my throat for hours, and I fought back tears in an attempt to take control of my emotions. I knew it was irrational, I knew my hormones were raging and my paranoia booming. Missiles went off in all directions while I tried to find safety and solitude under the blankets of my bed. My 2-mattresses-on-the-floor. My cat nap corner. My crater in the shape of my body. My soft worn cotton sheets, and my new fuzzy brown bear addition. I scratch his head like he can really feel it, and gently rub his nose against mine. Eskimo kisses. It calms me down. What triggered this harsh reaction in the first place, I'm not sure. Could be a couple things, but none of them are especially upsetting. Sometimes this shit happens for no reason, I can't explain what I don't understand. It will come in on waves or just tackle me out of nowhere.

Any how, I'm sane again (if sane is what you would call it) and I'm feeling pretty mellow. I've not had one of these episodes in quite a while and it's odd because I just had a conversation about them a couple days ago with a friend. Why now? I'm hoping this doesn't come back full force or worse. I just have to keep my head on straight and let my logic guide me. I try to stay rational, I think it's a wise route to tread. But tomorrow is a wonderfully new day with whatever possibilities I give it, so I'm going to make the best of that. Join me, yeah?

Great.


So now that I've made buddies with my blog I'm going to give it a hug and a kiss on the cheek, say goodnight, fare thee well, and we'll see each other again soon.


Truly,
Emma Ro